My First Year Being HIV Positive: Compassion + Grace

Thanks to Jessica Gibson, a generous writer, for OUT & ABOUT Newspaper in Nashville, TN for taking the opportunity to follow-up on me, about my first year living with HIV.  The title “Compassion + Grace” couldn’t have been a better choice from my perspective.  Also, thank you Jerry Jones for the consideration and publish.  Click the image below or link for the complete article.

[ + ] “I’m still Josh! You still be YOU!!!”

-josh

Out & About – Compassion Grace

Compassion + Grace, Robbins talks about HIV-positive diagnosis one year later. [ Out and About Newspaper, Nashville, TN ] Article by: Jessica Gibson

DUDE That Exposed Me to HIV SPEAKS (Part 2) – Presented by Out & About Newspaper

I am thrilled to be able to share the finale to the two-part series, written by the guy that unintentionally and unknowingly exposed me to HIV on December 18, 2011.

Click the image below to read Part 2, presented exclusively and generously by Out & About Newspaper (Nashville) or click here.

DUDE That Exposed Me To HIV SPEAKS (Part 1)

Y’all- I am truly humbled and excited to be able to feature a guest blog, although anonymous, from the guy that unintentionally and unknowingly exposed me to HIV on December 18, 2011.  Since I started this blog and also shared my youtube video that has good and not-so-nice comments on it (haha), I have wanted to share the story of this brave guy.

WHY SHARE HIS STORY, you wonder?  After almost a year of living with HIV, the 2nd most common question I encounter is “Do you know who gave it to you?”  And I have shared before, my story is special and I feel lucky because my timeline of events is so specific.

This guest blog will be presented in two parts, with special content available exclusively on Out & About Newspaper‘s website, later this week.

Written anonoymously from a Nashville guy (at the time of exposure):

I’M THE GUY THAT EXPOSED “IM STILL JOSH” TO HIV

“It was mid-day and my phone rang. The caller ID read Josh Robbins.

Imagine that feeling you get when you didn’t realize you were going 90mph on the hwy and you pass a cop. Doubtful that Josh was calling after 6 weeks for “round 2”, intuition told me that this could not be a good call.*  I let it go to voicemail. His message was thoughtful but urgent and I stepped outside to inhale a cigarette before calling him back.

THE PHONE CALL FROM JOSH.

Our conversation was almost too cordial. Josh told me that he’d tested

Click here to see how you can help volunteer for the “HOPE TAKES ACTION” study in Nashville.

positive for HIV and that I needed to go get tested. He went on to explain that it wouldn’t have been possible for him to contract from anyone else. If it was from me, he said that he didn’t want to harbor any animosity towards me. I think my response must have been similar to if my mother had called at 7AM on a Saturday to tell me to go to the dentist, “Yea… of course I’ll go. Talk to you later”.

I spent the next 29 hours pretending to live my life normally, all the while meticulously observing every moment and every aspect of my life. I’m not sure if I was trying to visualize how it all would be different if I tested positive or if, [subconsciously] knowing the truth already, I was trying to salvage the last hours of a carefree life.

When I finally made it to Nashville Cares, I had envisioned every possible outcome, good and bad. I was mentally prepared for a positive test result. And believe it or not, when it came, it was more of a relief than a blow. I could move forward now. I could take action. I was no longer stuck between knowing and not knowing. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t happy news… but I knew I was going to be ok.

FACE-TO-FACE WITH JOSH.

The next night I sat across from Josh in his kitchen. We discussed the night we met, how we thought this would or wouldn’t affect our lives, disclosing to friends, family and future partners. I couldn’t help but think about his bedroom a few feet away, that night, that condom that was a little too tight. This was the scene of the crime!

You might picture a scene where I fall to my knees begging for forgiveness and pledging eternal servitude for my wrongdoing, but Josh would hardly allow me to apologize. At a time when I could have been comforting him, I was the one actually being uplifted and encouraged.

DISCLOSURE.

Unlike Josh, I did not decide to fully disclose my status. Though my parents have always been and would be 100% supportive, I felt that they would only fear for my well being. I have yet to tell them. I work in a hyper-hetero and hyper-masculine industry and do well enough just being out of the closet. I felt it was in my best interest to keep quiet there as well.

Unfortunately, disclosure, for me, wasn’t just about letting folks know. There were people that needed to know because they needed to be tested. This would be the hardest part of my transition into “Poz-Life”. (imstilljosh.com notes that the following examples were allowed to be posted by this guest writer because of the anonymity of the examples, regardless of the future disclosure choice(s) of this writer. We do not share any specific information about the status of anyone without extreme respect for privacy.) 

• A very recent affair, despite our having had safe-sex, was very concerned. He went immediately to the ER and got on PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis). He is HIV negative.
• When I told my friend, he sat quietly and held my hand. He rubbed my thumb and told me it would be ok. It killed me to remind him of that drunken night a few months prior. He is fortunately HIV negative.
• A guy from out of town broke down on the phone when I called. I tried to contact his local suicide prevention agency when he tested positive. Not only was his world changed forever, but he’d also cheated on his partner with me. His, now, ex is HIV negative and I am happy to report that he is doing much better.

In the end, I’ve told my sister, my closest friends and anyone I’ve had or planned to have sex with. A tip to anyone newly positive, don’t wait until 3rd base to disclose… guys don’t like that!

I’m ok with my level of disclosure for the time being. Even being closeted, as it were, I have plenty of opportunity to support those that are questioning their status or are newly positive. More than once, I’ve held someone’s hand at Nashville CARES during that unnerving 30 minutes between mouth-swab and results. I am happy that I can be there, no matter what the result.”

PART 2 will be released on Thursday January 17, 2013 presented by Out & About Newspaper.

* denotes the phone call was actually on Jan. 24, 2012 (approximately 5 weeks from exposure)

SO – HOW WOULD YOU REACT to HIM? Obviously, it “takes two to tango, right?” or is one person more at fault? Share your thoughts/comments below. 

I’m still Josh. You STILL be YOU!!!

XO-

josh

Talking HIV and Equality on HuffPostLIVE

With the nation waiting to hear from the Supreme Court regarding potential cases they are considering issuing opinion, HuffPostLIVE contacted me yesterday asking me to again appear and share some thoughts…

Josh Robbins from imstilljosh.com appears on HuffPostLIVE to discuss HIV, Equality and Prop8

 

“This is not a political issue” … “it’s simply, am I as equal as you?” 

http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/proposition-8-california-gay-marriage-supreme-court/50bc9377fe34445415000312

Thanks for having me on, HuffPostLIVE!

I’m still Josh. You still be You!!!

xo

-j.

World AIDS Day 2012 – Imstilljosh HIV

Happy World AIDS Day, y’all!

Today is such an important day… a day to remember those brave souls that we have lost to this epidemic in the last 20-30 years, a day to say thank you to medical professionals, scientists and research volunteers for their unrelenting quest for a preventative vaccine and cure, a day to recommit ourselves to a cause–ending AIDS in our lifetime and a day to remind the world that this immune disorder isn’t like it was years ago. It’s World AIDS Day and I’m stoked!!!

 

HEALTH UPDATE ON JOSH:

So, I have had a bit of writer’s block over the last several months, but I want you to know that I have been doing great! In Jan 2012, my cd4 was around 550 and my viral load was over 5 million. As of this week, my cd4 has rebounded to 790 and the viral load hovers around 1000. At the moment, I have chosen (with discussion and knowing the pros and cons) to not start Antiretroviral treatment (meds) because it appears that my immune system is keeping the disorder in check. With that said, I have a very intense regimen of vitamins and natural “assistants” (per se) to boost my immune system and fighters.

I am vocal against the stigma surrounding HIV because many amazing folks that are living with HIV can’t be for different reasons. I will be damned if for one second that I don’t at least attempt to remind those that either just found out they are HIV-positive or have been living with the immune disorder, quietly for many years to ever feel like they are in this fight alone or don’t feel that they are still exactly who they were before. I volunteer because it’s important. I bet HIV stigma hates me!

MORE SOON… PROMISE!!! 

Y’all rock!!! Thank you for helping me almost make it a year “still” being me… 

I’m still Josh! You still be YOU!!!

XO!
-josh

P.S.  Follow me on TWITTER @imstilljosh , FACEBOOK friend-requests or shoot me an email.

TakePart.Com features a recent post about HIV

 

 

I am STILL living | 6 months after finding out I’m HIV Positive

I’m STILL Josh — 6 months After Finding Out I’m HIV Positive

Six months ago, Jan. 24, 2012, my world stopped. It’s when I received the result of a 2nd blood test (a confirmation test) that I was HIV-positive.  Now, six months later, I am still doing exactly what I made the decision to do– continue living and being exactly who I have always been… Josh.

Over the past several months since starting this blog, I’ve experienced tons of different things… tons of emotions, really.  I’ve cried out to God asking “Why me?” and had to look in the mirror and realize I made a choice that had a consequence on December 18, 2011. I’ve looked my family in the face and told the truth. I’ve called the person that unknowingly exposed me, notifying him of my result and helping him get connected with the awesome folks at Nashville CARES.  I’ve tried to tell my story in a way that helps other recently infected guys around Nashville to maybe not feel so alone. I’ve continued working. I’ve taken more needle pricks than I ever thought I would. I’ve been committed to trying to help raise as much money in town as possible for HIV awareness and social services for HIV-positive folks, like me. I’ve tried to help the enourmous task of chipping away the HIV stigma that is very real and present in the South. I’ve worried.  But I attempted to always “keep on– keeping on.” I’m STILL living.

Health | If you remember, I had a viral load of over 5.5 million in January and it started to slowly decrease. The lowest I’ve gotten in the past six months was amazingly 800. And my CD4 count has remained strong (over 550 with increasing percentages). With the counsel of and discussion with my physician, I haven’t yet started any medicine or antiretroviral therapy (ART). However, I just read an online news piece recommending that all adults with HIV-infection begin ART. We’ll see… I’m STILL living.

Relationship | bow chicka wow wow — As many of you that follow my facebook or twitter accounts know, I am currently in a relationship with an awesome and caring person. This was probably the biggest worry that I had when I knew in my “gut” that I was HIV-positive during the several weeks from the first HIV test until the confirmation of the result— Would I ever be LOVED by someone even though I’m HIV-positive? Luckily for me, I know the answer is a big “hell yea!” While adhering to the laws concerning the disclosure of my status, sex can still happen (even with HIV negative partners). I’m not one to talk much about “my sexy time” but I did want share that much. I’m STILL living. 

Friendships | A good friend of mine that works in HIV vaccine research told me that I would really learn who my true friends are and that I would begin to really make better choices about who I choose to spend time with because of a new view on life– per se.  He was absolutely right. As a whole, close friends have remained exactly by my side. And some new ones have emerged.  Whether it’s because everyone knows my business (haha) because I’ve been so open and blunt about everything OR because they are genuinely awesome folks, the local Nashville guys have been pretty nice.  Come on now, we are gay men– folks talk about everyone. I’ve heard a few whispers. It’s hurt a little, but at the end of the day, I would make the same decision to start talking about being HIV-positive again. No question.  My friends are still who they always were. I’m STILL living. 

I told you early on that I was still Josh (that being HIV-positive wouldn’t change that) and that you should still be you! Thank you for doing exactly that!

Life happens, fortunately and unfortunately. And we are completely in control of our response– how we adapt and how we decide to take it on. Because I was in a place mentally and spiritually that I felt comfortable talking about MY HIV, I did and will continue. This isn’t brave. It’s exactly right for me. For those of you that are HIV-positive and for whatever reason (family, friends, work, or that you are just a tad bit more quiet about personal things), I admire you and support you. You are being exactly who you are!  For those of you that just can’t talk or disclose but want too– know I am yelling loud to “end this HIV STIGMA” for both of us and I plan to continue.

It’s not about making HIV seem less serious OR even attempting to make acquiring this terminal illness “fine and dandy by me.” It’s ABOUT ending the nasty looks (we see it), the “dirty” comments (we hear them), and the ignorance about how it’s spread or treated. This blog is about decreasing stigma surrounding HIV and increasing the self-confidence of those HIV-positive folks that need encouragement.  And y’all know me, I have enough southern in me to “open a can of WHOOP ASS on somebody” if need be… Of course! I’m still me.

I ain’t dead yet — don’t plan on it anytime soon. I’m still living.

I’m still Josh. You still be YOU!!!

XO-

josh

Follow me on twitter @imstilljosh … 

P.S. If you’re interested in sharing your HIV story (even if it’s the first time), please connect with me on facebook.com/joshuarobbins …

LET’S KICK HIV STIGMA’s ASS. 

To Be Continued…

WHAT IF? 

What if… I didn’t have those extra drinks that night at the bar?

What if… I didn’t decide to go home with a cutie from the club?

What if… I didn’t allow myself, even briefly, to have unprotected sex?

What if… I didn’t get sick, which ultimately led me to my diagnosis?

What if… I didn’t know today that I was HIV-positive?

What if… I had sex again, and again, and again not knowing that I was exposing the next “hottie” that was trusting me when I said ‘I’m d/d free”?

What if… 

What would my story be then?

Although a simple “what if” — I have found myself day-dreaming about the possibility that any of these things could be my story. And wondering where that would put me today?

So where am I today?

I am educated about HIV. I am concerned about my health. I am advocating for the decrease in stigma for other HIV-infected individuals. I am proud. I am scared. I am surrounded by amazing life-long friends and newly acquired supporters. I am in love. I’m still me, though.

Becoming HIV-positive isn’t really my story. My story is evolving. And although a few have questioned my intentions– I remain dedicated to two important goals: 1) decreasing stigma surround HIV so others don’t feel as alone as I felt & 2) continuing the dialogue of prevention in my hometown of Nashville.

Do I want to be famous for it? Nope. Do I care that everyone knows “my business”? Not really. Do I have a true heart for the men in my city to feel comfortable if they are HIV-positive? Absolutely.

This … right here is my story. And like all the great SAVED BY THE BELL episodes– it’s To Be Continued.

I’m still Josh. You still be YOU!!!

XO-

josh

3 Months Since Learning I am HIV-positive

3 Months… seems like it has been forever. Yes, it was only 3 months ago… a mere 92 days ago that I was given the result — I am HIV-positive.

I found myself this morning realizing more today than yesterday (or even 92 days ago) what it actually feels like to be living with HIV. I’m not one to loath in a pity party or anything like that, but although I am “fine” I guess, parts of living with HIV is setting in– really settling in. 

92 days ago my Viral Load (click here to understand more about what VIRAL LOADS mean) was over 5.5 million. Today, my VL has reduced itself (via my immune system) to 1,291. My CD4 count (click here to understand more about what CD4 counts mean) was 672. Today, my CD4 has continued to decline to 552. 

I’m a numbers guy– I’m a talent agent. But these numbers are important. They are life and death, really. 

Although, I am not on medications yet — by my choice with my doctors recommendation — the constant decline of both my CD4 numbers and my CD4 percentages are leading me to the obvious discussion of treatment. 

So what’s the big deal? 

Once you start taking HIV medication, you can’t stop. I can’t even “remember” to take a multi-vitamin every day, let alone a pill or collection of pills. And then there are side-effects of all HIV meds: diarrhea, dizziness, headache, joint pain, vomiting, weakness, strange dreams, skin discoloration, darkened skin color on the palms of hands or soles or feet, etc. 

But these pills save lives. 

Need sympathy? Nope! 

Want understanding? Yes — from family and friends, as once I start these meds, I need help remembering to take them, encouragement on the hard days and understanding if I just am too tired or down one day. 

3 Months later, I’m still fighting and living– and will continue. But today is a more self-reflective day at what a newly-infected person thinks about and has to decide… I’m going to keep living, as my daddy says.

I’m still Josh. You still be YOU!!! 

I Respond to Ex-Pastor Hate Mail

Available exclusively on PositiveLite.com, I respond to a lengthy email I received days after starting this blog and weeks after finding out I was HIV-positive.

Click here to read the email from my former youth pastor and my open letter responding.

I’m HIV-postive and I just got a NOsebleed. OH SH*T!

Since Jan. 24, 2012, I have had the opportunity to learn some amazing things about my body, how HIV infection grows and is treated and how others that are more “positive experienced” than myself have lived with this immune disorder for many, many years. It’s been very humbling, to say the least.

A nosebleed for an HIV-positive person really can freak us out. So you don't need to. #stigma

But what happened recently was not something I had thought about much– or how I would react or feel. But it’s actually something that every HIV-positive person has to think about, and often.

I woke up the other morning to blood on my pillow. Blood on my hands. Blood that was dried up — on my face! Talk about something worse than that morning breath I had when I was still a smoker. (Oh, yea, I quit recently.)

Talk about an “OH SH*T! MOTHER OF A GAY QUEEN SLAPPING HER DOG BECAUSE SHE CAN’T FIND THE RIGHT EYE LINER PENCIL” freak out.

I had, had a nosebleed.  Questions were flying through my mind: “What if this happened when I was out in the public? Would others freak out? Would I? Would I be the lonely guy in the middle of the street screaming for a tissue and everyone just kept walking by?” “Can I give someone MY HIV from my nosebleed? Well, duh. But what about my dried up blood?” “Should I throw away my pillow now? But what if someone is going through the trash and touches it?”

See the fact is, I hadn’t yet realized or experienced the freaking out that HIV-positive people (at least once) have gone through or will go through when they might get a paper cut, nosebleed, or even a cut in the roof of our mouths from that sharp tortilla chip.

Will I continue to freak out a little when I see blood? HELL YEA! 

But you (neg’s & poz’s) don’t need to, if you see my blood. Trust me, I’ll take care of it. So don’t freak out a lot … or even a little. I’m already doing it, even if I laugh.  <—– the reality of an HIV-positive guy from Tennessee.

End the stigma. I’m still Josh! YOU still be You!!!

-Josh

My HIV Story (Exclusive content for positivelite.com)

I Didn’t Know Anyone HIV-positive: My HIV Story (written exclusively for PositiveLite.Com)  

Less than two months ago, Josh Robbins, a safer-sex poster boy, filmed himself getting the news that he’d tested HIV-positive. Here’s his story.

I didn’t know one person who was HIV-positive before I walked down that long hallway to get the results of my recent-exposure HIV test. I didn’t know one person who was HIV-positive before I made a decision, on December 18, 2011, to have unprotected sex, based on my assumptions about someone’s character instead of my knowledge of their status. But everything changed for me on January 24, 2012. On that day, the answer I have given for my entire life – that I’m negative – changed.

CLICK HERE for the rest of the Exclusive content written by me for positivelite.com.

Out & About Newspaper- I’m HIV Positive

 

Out & About – Josh Robbins comes OUT.

Another “I’m HIV Positive” guy COMES OUT

We’ve all heard the saying “The Truth will Set You Free.”  In my journey (that’ll last my lifetime) of finding out that I was HIV positive, making the

Guadalupe, 26

decision to share with my closest friends and family members, and now eventually to sharing the experience on this blog, I feel much more free. With that said, I understand that maintaining the privacy of the disease is a personal decision and choice. I certainly wish that everyone that is positive makes the decision about disclosure carefully and intentionally. You have my support either way!

Today we have a treat… I never expected this blog “Imstilljosh.com” to become a place where Nashville guys share their stories. It really is true that HIV affects us all — even if we aren’t all infected. (family, friends, brothers and sisters, gay or straight…. you get the point!)

MEET Guadalupe, a 26 year male in Nashville that is HIV Positive. He is a strong, brave and healthy male living with HIV since 2010.

Here is his story…

I’m super duper proud of GUADALUPE.

“I’m not trying to hide it” — Guadalupe regarding whether to disclose his HIV status.

I’m still Josh. You still be YOU!!!

xo-

josh

My twitter: @imstilljosh  

Guadalupe’s twitter: @Life_PositiveGM

HIV won’t happen to me… I thought.

3 out of 10. 30%. Less than half.

This is exactly how I answered a survey in August. The question was simple and I remember answering the question. But I answered with a “3” because answering with a “1” or “2” seemed like my luck would run out and a little too small-minded. So I went with a “3.”

The question:  Using a scale from 1-10, In your opinion, how likely are you to contract HIV in the next year? 

August 2011, I answered with what I believed… what I felt. December 18, 2011, I was exposed to HIV unknowingly and I didn’t realize how quickly that simple “3” wouldn’t matter. It could happen to anyone. “Anyone” actually meant me.

Anybody can get HIV. HIV is a virus; once it gets into your body, it can make you sick. It does so if you are rich or poor; 14 years old or 70; black or white; gay or straight; married or single. It’s what you do, not who you are, that puts you at risk for HIV. Source: Thebody.com

Since we’re on the subject of numbers… FACT:

“Gay and bisexual men and other men who have sex with men remain the population most heavily affected by HIV in the United States. CDC estimatesMSM represent approximately 2 percent of the U.S. population, 2 but accounted for the majority of all new HIV infections annually from 2006 to 2009 — 56 percent in 2006 (27,000), 58 percent in 2007 (32,300), 56 percent in 2008 (26,900) and 61 percent in 2009 (29,300).” Source: CDC

IF you are HIV negative, using a scale from 1-10, how likely are you to contract HIV in the next year? 

Make your answer “1” because you consider yourself your #1 priority. Protect yourself.

Get involved in a vaccine study. BREAK the stigma.

I’m still Josh! You still be  YOU!

-xo

josh